33 - The Hierarchy of Soothing: A Gentle Guide for Sleep-Deprived Parents

In this heartfelt and empowering episode of Doula Talk, Deb Jimenez unpacks a question she hears almost daily from tired parents: “How do I help my baby sleep without sleep training?” If you’ve found yourself contact-napping around the clock or bouncing on an exercise ball like it’s your second job, this one’s for you.

Deb introduces her signature 12-step Hierarchy of Soothing—a gentle, responsive framework that guides families from full-contact sleep support to more independent sleep without using harsh methods, strict schedules, or cry-it-out techniques. This isn’t traditional sleep training. It’s about creating rhythm, reducing input gradually, and honoring both your baby’s need for connection and your need for rest.

She walks listeners through each step, from holding and feeding to sleep, all the way to independent sleep, using relatable examples and realistic expectations. Throughout, Deb reassures parents that progress is not linear, that every baby is different, and that bonding, attachment, and sleep can absolutely coexist.

Listeners will feel seen and supported as Deb shares:

• When and how to introduce gradual changes (hint: it’s not too early, and you’re not “spoiling” your baby)
• Why most families get stuck around the feed-to-sleep phase—and how to gently shift from there
• How to use tools like proximity, voice, motion, and eventually space to encourage self-soothing without tears or guilt
• The importance of the “sleepy scale” (and what a 6–7 actually looks like when laying baby down)

Deb also normalizes the reality that parents may move forward, skip steps, or even go backward on the ladder. “That’s not failure,” she says, “that’s just real life.” Her approach is steeped in flexibility and empathy—reminding listeners that sleep doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing, and they don’t have to figure it all out alone.

💛 Free Resource Alert!

Listeners can download Deb’s free Hierarchy of Soothing Guide—a visual, easy-to-follow roadmap with tips for each step—at DoulaDeb.com. It’s perfect to screenshot for those 2 a.m. check-ins.

🌿 Want More Support?

Deb also introduces her Rooted Rest Sleep Course, an 8-week program for babies and toddlers up to 3 years old. The course includes optional live Q&As, flexible routines, and step-by-step guidance to help families move toward sustainable, connected sleep—without compromising their values. Learn more at DoulaDeb.com/rooted-rest.

If you’re a parent longing for better sleep but overwhelmed by traditional advice, this episode is a must-listen. With her signature warmth, humor, and clinical wisdom, Deb offers a path forward that feels both doable and deeply respectful.

✨ Because everybody sleeps eventually—and you don’t have to

Chapters

• 1:54 Understanding Newborn Sleep Needs
• 2:03 A Note about Newborns
• 3:13 The Hierarchy of Soothing Explained
• 9:36 Navigating the Steps to Independent Sleep
• 11:59 Conclusion and Resources for Parents
• 12:56 So Can I Sleep Train a Newborn?
• 13:44 Download the Hierarchy of Soothing

Transcript

Deb (00:00)
Hey, hey, welcome back to Doula Talk postpartum babies and the battle for sleep. This is Deb and let's be honest, if you're holding your baby with one arm and reheating your coffee for the third time, you are in good company. I've worked with so many families and the question I hear most often is, how do I help my baby sleep without me doing all the things all the time? Maybe you're in contact nap mode.

24-7 bouncing on an exercise ball like it's your full-time job. Maybe the idea of sleep training has crossed your mind, but it just doesn't feel right. If you're feeling stuck, tired, or just wondering what's next, this episode is for you. Today we are going to dive into a tool I teach to all my clients and it is called the Hierarchy of Soothing.

this is a 12 step framework that helps you move from full contact, all hands on deck support to more independent without abandoning your baby's needs for closeness or your values. So if 12 steps sounds like a lot, it is actually something that we move really quickly through based on how they're doing. And you might even be

starting ahead, not at the bottom. So don't get worried. We will step through all of it together. so first we're to talk about newborn sleep for a second. You know that your baby is not bad at sleeping, right? Newborns and young infants need a lot of help falling and staying asleep because their nervous systems are still developing.

This is not something you can or should train them out of. that said, many families reach a point where what worked in the beginning just isn't sustainable anymore. If you're doing everything to get your baby to sleep and still struggling, that doesn't mean you've failed. It just means that you and your baby are ready to make a shift. This hierarchy of soothing is all about gentle, responsive progress. It's not sleep.

training in a traditional sense. There's no strict schedule, no timers, no crying in the room alone, just small manageable steps toward more restful nights for everyone. So here it goes. Are you ready? The first step is where we all start with our newborns, which is full contact support. This is where all families start. You're rocking, feeding, bouncing, wearing your baby for every nap and bedtime.

It's full on and totally normal, but it's also okay if this feels like a lot. This is the part in postpartum where having a lot of support people around you is super important. That way you can care for baby 100 % or if you need a break and someone else can step in and hold your baby for you. The next step on this way up our scale is holding and feeding to sleep.

This is where your baby falls asleep while nursing or bottle feeding. And this is very common stage and there's nothing here you need to fix.

Deb (03:08)
at this stage after they fall asleep, you might be able to just lay them down in their own sleep space after they're fully asleep.

Sometimes we get into the back and forth of laying them down and then they wake up instantly so that we hold them all the way to sleep again and lay them down and that back and forth and this is sometimes where people get a little bit stuck. Sometimes they'll sleep for long time, sometimes they'll sleep for a few minutes. But the point is is that you are now at the stage of being able to fall asleep while they're feeding and

and lay them down for a little bit of time so you can get some rest.

Deb (03:44)
As your baby grows older, they might get stuck here, right? a lot of families who come to me who are looking for sleep coaching are stuck in this. They only know how to fall asleep while feeding to sleep. It's not a problem until it is a problem, right? So don't worry if you're here.

The next step is going to be holding to sleep without feeding them all the way to sleep. Okay? as these older babies, if they are stuck in the feeding sleep, this can be quite the struggle. So what you need to do is start separating feeding from sleep. But you are still supporting your child. You may be rocking or soothing your baby in your arms.

not just laying them down and expecting them to fall asleep. So there are many techniques to help to move toward this. One technique I like to use is the pacifier. If they take one, I think the pacifier is a great tool for in between feedings as long as they're getting full feedings and they're not using all their calories up to suck on that pacifier. It's a good way to help them with the soothing to sleep

but they're also not receiving milk all the way until they're asleep. Okay. The next step is going to be partial contact. So maybe now you're holding your baby, but you're not bouncing or sitting instead of pacing around. You're scaling back while still being close and supporting your baby. Again, this is not something that we just all of sudden move to. It might be slowly backing off the rocking and the moving

to support your baby. And this step might be skipped a lot of times, because once you're holding your baby to sleep, maybe they don't need that full motion all the time of bouncing on an exercise ball or rocking in a chair. So this step you might just skip right over depending on your baby and how much contact they need.

So the next step is step five, in arms comfort without any motion whatsoever. You might be holding your baby still, but you're gonna do your routine and you're no rocking, no movement, just presence holding your baby.

Deb (05:47)
Okay, we are ready to move on to step six. This is external support to soothe with motion. So what does that mean? That means motion without.

holding in your arms. We're thinking stroller naps, swings, or car rides. You can certainly use these before this step as a tool in your toolbox before you start any of these things, but this is where we move from in your arms to an external source of holding. This is still really soothing with the motion, but it's a lot less dependent on you and your arms.

You are staying close while they're falling asleep and if you need to touch them or gently give them a little bit of pressure on their belly when necessary and then you're also going to use your voice to soothe as needed and that can include humming, singing or saying your sleepy time phrase like shhhh night night time.

Deb (06:38)
Okay, and we're going to move on. We're going through these really quick, but the next one would be you're going to have them laying in the crib. They're in the crib or bassinet and you're offering them comfort through your voice, your hand on their chest, or maybe using some soft shushing. And a lot in my sleep consults will talk about the sleepy scale of zero is

100 % awake and 10 is 100 % asleep. And so we want them on the sleepy side, the ideal so that they know that they are being put down is between a six and a seven of sleepiness. As you're trying this, you might notice that you lay them down and sleepy and then they wake right back up. So you have to kind of play with this a little bit.

Maybe you need to get them to almost all the way asleep and then lay them down. They might pop open or wake a little bit and notice their surroundings and then go back to sleep. So you have to play around with how sleepy they are when you lay them down. it is best to have them be aware that they are being put down. That can help a lot with them being able to fall asleep on their own. But also when they go between sleep cycles, they can go right back to sleep.

Okay, so the next one, once you've mastered that, is gonna be laying them down on that sleepy scale between a six and a seven, and you're gonna use your voice and your proximity only. You are gonna stay close and offer verbal reassurance, but you're gonna limit or have no physical contact. And so,

That means no holding hands all the way to sleep or no hand on their chest all the way to sleep. No patting their butt all the way until their sleep. Sometimes we can get them in the crib, but then we have this external thing that we're doing for them all the way until they fall asleep. So that could be a half step that you try is offering them that touch intermittently and then slowly backing off and offering them the opportunity to try to fall asleep on their own.

And then you start progressively having the baby do a little bit more of the work of falling asleep without touch. After you have mastered that of you lay them down,

Deb (08:55)
you're going to rely on your voice alone. This might be humming, singing, or saying your sleepy time phrase like shh shh shh, night night time, things like that. All right, we're on step 10 now. So the next step after that is you're going to use your voice to soothe and reducing your proximity to the crib. This is similar to the sleep lady shuffle method and you are going to be moving your

location maybe you're sitting in a chair or on the floor farther and farther away from the crib this might be really important for toddlers but for newborns and infants it's a little less important as long as they can hear your voice that is what is important you may need to do some check-ins of getting closer and and a little bit of touch and then getting back to your chair position

Typically, we like to do three chair positions right next to the crib, like the last step, and then halfway to the door, and then sitting at the door, and then after that, you can be outside of the door if they need it. So after step 10, we're doing step 11, which is self-soothing. So by now, baby should be fully using their own soothing strategies.

sucking on their fingers, they might, if they're older than four to five months, they might have a lovey that is not loose blanket or anything, but something to like be able to safely touch and feel They might be doing some head turning back and forth or movements like...

tapping their legs up and down or smacking on the crib with their hands, any kind of rhythm that they're finding, that is a soothing technique to help them fall asleep. They may need very little help. You might every once in a while, need to go check in from time to time to show them that you will come back no matter what if they need you. But they should be able to be laid down.

say good night, I love you, walk out of the room and fall asleep independently.

Deb (10:58)
And last step is my favorite is that everybody is asleep. When you place your baby down awake and again we want them like sleepy after a nice routine and about a six or seven on the sleepy scale when you lay them down they may just smile at you and giggle. They may just want to play in the crib a little bit and that is completely fine.

but they should be able to at this point fall asleep independently and you get a moment to breathe and

Deb (11:24)
go lay down and scroll on your phone or watch a movie or connect with your partner, which is so important.

Deb (11:30)
So this is the dream, but every step before that matters just as much, okay? So with all of those steps, 12 feels like a lot, right? But as you can see, teeny tiny little baby steps toward independent sleep so that they can fall asleep on their own if they wake up in the middle of the night.

they should be able to just fall asleep on their own.

But here's the thing I want you to remember. Most families don't move through these steps in perfect order. Some skip a few, others hang out in one spot for weeks, some move forward and then back again. That is not a failure. This is actually just real life. So knowing where you're starting and knowing where you want to be is super important. So if you're wondering, can I sleep train my newborn?

The short answer is no, not really, not in the traditional sense, but that doesn't mean you can't start working on gentle gradual sleep changes now. I usually don't start doing these things until at least eight weeks. Do not think that you're spoiling your baby if you're holding them to sleep and they need to be 100 % asleep before you lay them down. That is.

completely normal and I want you to do that. That is so important for bonding and growth and security and attachment. Okay? But what you can do is use this hierarchy to slowly reduce how much support your baby needs to fall asleep while staying responsive and connected to them the whole time. I know how hard it is to feel stuck. I know what it's like to dread bedtime or to feel touched out or to cry in the dark because you just don't know what else to do.

This hierarchy of soothing is one of the most helpful tools I can offer families because it's not magic, but it meets you where you are. want a visual version of this ladder to stick on your fridge or screenshot it for 2 a.m., you can grab my free hierarchy of soothing guide at douladeb.com It's totally free and it walks you through each step with examples and tips.

If you're ready for more support, my Rooted Rest Sleep Course is designed just for reason. It is an eight sleep program for babies and toddlers up to three years old, where you have the optional weekly Q &As, flexible routines, and step-by-step guidance to help you get more rest without compromising your connection.

Sleep doesn't have to be all or nothing. You're allowed to love the snuggles and to want a break. You're allowed to want to change and to stay connected. And you don't have to do it alone. are doing an incredible job already and even if it doesn't feel like it. So I promise that everybody will sleep eventually. But until next time, I'm your sleep doula and biggest cheerleader.