37 - Why Is My Newborn Crying?! Soothe with Intuition (Not Guilt)

If you’ve ever stared at your crying newborn and thought, “I’ve tried everything… why are they still upset?”—this episode is your permission slip to exhale and regroup.

In this heartfelt and practical episode, Doula Deb—a seasoned birth, postpartum, and sleep doula—walks you through her no-shame, intuition-first approach to understanding and soothing a crying baby. With her signature warmth and real-talk clarity, Deb shares her step-by-step checklist to decode baby cries, while gently reminding listeners that crying is communication, not condemnation.

You’ll learn:

• How to move through the “Is it hunger? Gas? Overstimulation?” checklist without second-guessing yourself
• Why intuition matters more than the clock
• What to try when nothing is working—from the tried-and-true 5 S’s (Dr. Harvey Karp) to the surprisingly helpful Dunstan Baby Language method
• The critical red flags to watch for in the first week of life, and why excessive crying then should prompt a call to your pediatrician or lactation consultant (not a wait-and-see approach)
• How to embrace the fourth trimester with compassion and calm—even on the messy, sleep-deprived days

This episode is especially powerful for parents of babies under 4–6 months old, when soothing can feel like a mystery and sleep is unpredictable. But instead of pushing quick-fix solutions, Deb invites you into a more grounded rhythm—one that centers connection over control.

💛 Want to go deeper?

Deb shares that this exact approach is the foundation of her upcoming Rooted Rest Sleep Course, launching Fall 2025. The course explores:

• Soothing techniques & baby regulation
• Wake windows and feeding rhythms
• Infant temperament and intuitive parenting
• And a sleep philosophy rooted in compassion (not cry-it-out)

👶 Rooted Rest is designed for conscious parents who want a flexible, evidence-based sleep plan without abandoning their instincts—or their baby.

🎁 Freebies + Resources

👉 Visit www.douladeb.com/rooted-rest to join the waitlist

👉 Click here to get FREE access to Doula Deb's printable resource library (including the Crying Checklist + 5 S’s handout) and sign up for her monthly newsletter: https://www.douladeb.com/free-resources-sign-up 

🎧 Press play now to feel seen, supported, and reminded:

✨ You’re not failing.

✨ You’re learning your baby.

✨ You are the magic.

Chapters

• 1:30 Introduction to Crying and Communication
• 1:42 Understanding Baby's Needs: The Checklist
• 5:32 When to Seek Help: Early Signs of Concern
• 6:18 The 5 S's: Soothing Techniques for Newborns
• 11:11 Dunstan Baby Language: Decoding Baby's Cries
• 13:30 Let's wrap it up!

Transcript

Deb (00:40)
Hey friends, welcome back to Doula Talk. I'm your host Doula Deb, a birth postpartum and sleep doula. And today we are getting real about something that rattles even the calmest of parents, a crying newborn. If your baby is crying and you've already run through your mental checklist five times, this episode is for you.

We're going to go through this checklist together, step by step, but we're doing it with compassion, not shame. Because here's the truth, you are not failing. Your baby is communicating, not accusing you of anything.

And if you want to dive even deeper into this kind of intuition led attachment focused approach, we spend a whole module on soothing and decoding babies cues in my Rooted Rest Sleep Course. But for now, let's walk through this together. So first things first.

Crying is communication. It's the only way babies can tell us that they're uncomfortable. And it doesn't mean that you're doing it wrong. You do not need to panic. You just need a plan. Here's the checklist I walk through with my clients and how to use it without guilt. First thing we always check, especially for those newborns, is are you hungry? When was their last feed? Are they showing hunger cues like rooting or sucking their fingers?

we want to take a pause for your intuition. If the clock says, well, they shouldn't be hungry yet, your baby may need a top up, especially if they're cluster feeding or growing. Responding to your baby is not spoiling them. So if they are showing those hunger cues, even if they just ate, maybe you can try feeding them.

The next on the list is, they tired? When was their last nap? As newborns, we don't worry too much about wake windows because they're pretty sleepy. So you want to tune An overtired baby can look wired, not sleepy, especially at the end of the day. You're allowed to try that nap again, even if it feels too soon. And sleep pressure is real.

So is your intuition. So as your newborn gets to the end of the day, they may be just over tired and overstimulated and need extra support in falling asleep. We're gonna talk more about how to help when they're overstimulated later when we talk about the five S's. So hang tight.

The next is, are they overstimulated? Is the environment too noisy, bright, or busy? Babies are energetic sponges. Sometimes the answer is a quiet room or a breath of fresh air. Take them outside, draw the blinds, or run a warm bath to reset the vibe. It's not about doing more. It's about offering less.

Newborns are especially attuned to their environment. They really are supposed to be in the womb for another three months. That's why we refer to the first three months as the fourth trimester. they can be overstimulated by noise, light, and touch.

The next thing to check, let's check the diaper. Do they have gas? Do they need to poop? Is their belly tight or are their knees pulling up?

Oftentimes their baby is gonna be pulling their legs up to their belly and sometimes even grunting like a, mm. And that can tell you that there's something digestive going on.

Sometimes we miss the obvious because we're so in it. Do a quick check and listen to your gut.

if you think they're uncomfortable, you're probably right. Gas happens, poop happens, you're doing great. There are lots of massage videos you can take a peek at to help with that gas. And you can always talk to your pediatrician about probiotics as well.

So the next thing to think about are they physically uncomfortable? Check for hair wrapped around their toe or a tag scratching their neck or possibly teething or signs of illness. You might want to run your hands gently over their body. Sometimes it's the smallest thing. If something feels off, trust yourself. Babies are so sensitive just like you. And then lastly, some babies just need you.

Is this just a need for closeness, comfort or co-regulation? Don't worry about the pressure to fix the cry. Sometimes the answer is wearing them, holding them or offering your calm presence, even if it doesn't stop the crying right away. You are your baby's comfort and you don't need a perfect trick. You are the magic. So if you've run through this checklist,

and your baby's fed, they've been changed, they're rested and comforted, but they are still crying. We have to take a deep breath. This doesn't mean that you're failing. It means that you have a baby. Babies cry sometimes. It's their job to communicate and our job to respond as best we can with the tools that we have.

So before we dive into those extra tools, a really important note is that if your baby is in the first week of life and you're experiencing excessive crying, difficulty feeding behavior, especially before your milk has fully come in, this is not the time for troubleshooting alone. I want you to immediately reach out to a lactation consultant or your pediatrician

because early weight loss, latch issues, tongue ties, and feeding difficulties can show up as constant crying. Getting support early can make a world of difference, you are not overreacting by asking for help. You are advocating for your baby and yourself.

Now for babies a little older, two or three weeks old, and especially under

four to six months, These next tools can be incredibly helpful when they are used mindfully and with that beautiful intuition of yours leading the way.

So the first one we're gonna talk about is Dr. Harvey Carp's 5 S's. And this is about resetting the nervous system.

all come out of the womb with this amazing calming reflex. It's all about creating that womb environment to trigger that baby's calming reflex. It's a proven method used by NICUs and new parents alike that can help many fussy babies settle. So here's the breakdown.

First one is swaddle, wrapping your baby snugly, arms down, hips free. Some newborns or preemies like their arms up, but once they're a little older, those hands can get really stimulating. So arms down is gonna be the way to go. This can help them feel safe and secure just like they were in the womb. But here's a safety note, always stop swaddling your baby once they show signs of rolling. And when it comes to the swaddle, there is no right or wrong here.

Some babies really like their hands a little bit more free with a pod-like swaddle. Other babies really like that snug pressure like the Ollie. You have to kind of just play it by ear and see what your baby likes best. Now, always want to make sure that their hips are free so that

There is no issues with hip dysplasia. So the second one is side or stomach position. And the stomach position is only while being held. We never wanna lay a baby on their stomach for sleep. by holding your baby on their side or on their tummy in your arms can help relieve gas and switch off that Moro reflex, that startle reflex that wake them up.

This is calming for your baby, but only safe for soothing while being held, not unsupervised sleep. The next one is white noise or the shush. Babies are used to that loud whooshing of the womb and blood flow. So a strong rhythmic shush near their ear from your mouth like shh, shh. That can get tiring after a while, just so you know.

There are some baby shushers that I like, but those do turn off after a while and appliance. But you can invest in a sound machine and that does help calm their nervous system if they're upset, but also it them sleep during the night by blocking out other outside noise and creating a sound barrier for them around their sleep.

It's also a really great trigger for relaxing as they are starting to notice patterns later on. whisper, Think Vacuum Cleaner volume. I don't like going louder than about 65 decibels.

if you're just using your own shush, you should be fine. But if you have a sound machine, I encourage you to download an app on your phone that, surveys the decibel level you put that phone

where your baby is sleeping and turn on your sound machine. I like it around 65 decibels. We don't want to definitely don't want to go above 70 so that we're not ⁓ dealing with hearing loss. So fourth S is swing. We're looking for gentle rhythmic motions, rocking, bouncing on an exercise ball or a safe baby swing.

This can help mimic the constant motion of life in the womb. So fast, tiny movements, like a jello jiggle can work best if they're really upset, but always be mindful of your baby's head and neck support.

You don't want to be shaking your baby to where they lose head control and neck support. So a gentle rhythmic motion is best here.

If you want to know what that little sway or swing looks like, you might want to take a look at any parent holding a baby and they just naturally start moving side to side. And that's what we're looking for. And the fifth one is suck. We can offer a nursing session, a clean finger, a pacifier, or even a.

a little bit of milk in a bottle, even if they had just eaten, maybe just a tiny sip can help them regulate. The sucking triggers a release of calming hormones or oxytocin in your baby and in you. So by offering something to suck on and they get that rhythm, it can help them get their nervous system to calm down. These tools are not meant to be used all at once forever.

but they can be layered to support your baby through difficult transitions, especially in those witching hours in the evening when they're overstimulated or developmental leaps where they just need a little extra support with their nervous system.

Okay, so that is the five S's. But the next one we're going to talk about is the Dunstan baby language. This is a really great tool for new parents with a newborn. This is one of the most under the radar gems I love introducing to families. The Dunstan baby language is a Priscilla Dunstan, a classically trained musician with a photographic memory for sound.

She was one of the first ones to notice newborn cries contain distinct sound reflexes tied to specific needs. The idea is that before babies start full-blown wailing, they often make subtle pre-cry sounds based on physical reflexes. And once you know what to listen for, it can be such a game changer. Here are the five key words,

that newborns are actually built in with. N is I'm hungry triggered by the sucking reflex. You'll hear the tongue pushing up to the roof of their mouth so it's a cry. The next one is ⁓ I'm sleeping and this mimics a yawn.

mouth forming a round O shape and that tells us we need to cue the nap.

The next one is I'm uncomfortable and that sounds like Often related to physical discomfort like a wet diaper a scratchy tag or being too hot or too cold

The fourth one is...

that tells us that they may have some lower gas or need to poop. the deep strained sound that builds an intensity often pairs with a red face kicking or arching their back. And then the last one is, and that one reminds me of clearing their throat. that means I need to burp. So short repetitive sound as your baby tries to push air out.

So of course, no system is perfect and every baby is different. And in the chaos of real life, you might not always hear these sounds super clearly.

especially if your toddler is yelling in the background or their dog is barking at the Amazon guy and you're trying to pump while holding your baby. It's a whole thing. That's totally okay. Even trying to listen builds your connection and your confidence in taking care of your baby. So here's the part that no one tells you. You won't always know what your baby needs and that's okay. You are listening to each other.

This is a dance and like any dance, there are missteps and messy moments. But with each pass through this checklist, you're strengthening that bond, not breaking it. So here's my advice to you. Let your intuition guide you. Let your compassion hold you and let go of the pressure to get it right every time. You already are the perfect parent for your baby.

Okay, so if this kind of intuitive, shame-free, attachment-forward approach to sleep and soothing is what your heart's been craving, I wanna invite you to check out Rooted course that I am building for conscious parents.

right now I am working on getting this together for you guys and I am hoping to have it out by fall 2025. We go way beyond just get them to sleep. We explore soothing, regulating, wake windows, feeding patterns, temperament, things that might be disrupting sleep and so much more. But most importantly, we do it all with compassion and we're not cry it out.

So if that sounds like something that you would resonate with, go ahead and head over to douladeb.com/rooted-rest or grab the link in the show notes because you deserve support that honors your intuition and your baby's doing a beautiful job even on the hard days and especially on the hard days.