61 - The Missing Village: Why Parenthood Feels Harder Than It Should

Becoming a parent isn’t supposed to be a solo journey, but for many families today, that’s exactly what it feels like.

In this episode, I’m talking about the “missing village” and why so many new parents feel overwhelmed, isolated, and like they’re somehow failing when, in reality, they’re simply trying to do one of life’s biggest jobs without the support humans were designed to have.

We’ll explore why postpartum can feel so much harder than expected, how social media and information overload often add to the stress, and why asking for help is one of the strongest things you can do, not a sign of failure.

I also share real stories from recent client consultations, including one family who went from multiple false starts and frequent night wakings to a dramatically better night with just a few realistic adjustments. It’s a reminder that progress doesn’t have to be perfect to be meaningful.

In this episode, we talk about:

• Why modern parents are missing the village they were meant to have
• The hidden mental load of postpartum
• Why information overload often increases anxiety instead of confidence
• The difference between seeking perfection and making progress
• How compassionate, individualized support can help you feel confident again
• Practical ways to start building your own village

If you’ve ever wondered, “Why does this feel so much harder than I thought it would?” this episode is for you.

Resources Mentioned

🤍 Learn more about my postpartum, sleep, and first-year support: https://www.douladeb.com

🤍 Book a free discovery call: https://www.douladeb.com/contact

🤍 Join my free monthly Baby Lounge for expecting parents and families with babies: https://www.douladeb.com/events

If this episode encouraged you, I’d love for you to share it with another tired parent who could use the reminder that they’re not failing. They’re simply parenting without the village they deserve. Your shares, ratings, and reviews help more families find the support they’re looking for!

Transcript

Doula Deb (00:50)
Hi, I'm Deb, a postpartum doula, sleep consultant, and someone who spends a lot of time talking to tired parents off of ledges at 2 a.m. or just trying to help them figure out why the baby suddenly decided that sleep is optional. Well, today I want to talk about something I think most parents quietly feel, but don't always say out loud.

Why does parenthood feel so hard? Like harder than we expected? And why do so many families feel so alone after they have a baby?

Because here's the thing. We spend so much time preparing for birth. We make registries, we take birth classes, we research strollers for approximately seventeen years because apparently every stroller now costs the price of a used Honda and comes with forty seven options online. and we organize these tiny little baby clothes and set up the nurseries and then

car seats that somehow feels like you need an advanced engineering degree to install. And then the baby arrives. Suddenly everyone disappears. You maybe get a meal train for a week, your phone blows up with how's the baby? And sometimes people come and hold the baby for like twenty minutes to an hour and it's kinda like, Okay, well, good luck, you got this. Meantime, you are sitting there

leaking milk, probably sweating, surviving on snacks you can eat one handed,

And wondering if crying because someone ate the last granola bar means you're emotionally unstable or just postpartum. Honestly, it's probably both. But here's the wild part is that we act like this is all normal. Like of course you should be able to recover from birth, figure out feeding, function on almost no sleep, manage your emotions, take care of your newborn, and somehow still answer texts in a polite way.

I think one of the biggest reasons postpartum feels so hard is because we are missing the village. I truly believe humans were never meant to do this alone. For most of history, new parents learned by being surrounded by other parents,

Grandparents, siblings, aunties, neighbors, a community. There was always someone helping with meals. There was always someone to hold the baby. There was someone who could reassure you that clusterfeeding is normal and it is hard, but it's okay. And that your baby refusing the bassinet does not automatically mean that you've ruined their sleep forever. Now, many parents are isolated.

Families live far away, partners go back to work quickly, sometimes as quick as a week.

and your friends, they're busy too, raising their own families, trying to their heads above water. So instead of a village, we do what we have access to. We have Google, we have Instagram, we have TikTok, Reddit, and the seventeen strangers in the comments confidently contradicting one another.

And honestly, I think this is all making postpartum harder. because parents are not struggling because they're incapable. Parents are struggling because they are learning 12 new skills at once while profoundly sleep-deprived. You're learning feeding, sleep, diapering, soothing, pumping, healing, schedules, developmental milestones, how to leave the house with a baby, how to function in your relationship, how to

manage your anxiety and maybe how to keep a toddler alive at the same time. So of course it feels hard. I think one of the biggest lies modern parents tell us is that we should somehow instinctively know what to do. And listen, I believe in intuition. I talk about intuition all the time but intuition works a lot better when you're not running on three hours of broken sleep and wondering if your baby grunting at night means something catastrophic. Sometimes in

Intuition needs support. Sometimes intuition sounds like, hey, I think something is off, and then support comes in and helps you sort through what's normal, what isn't, and what deserves more attention.

I had a mom on a call recently who hopped on already apologizing. she had slept through the alarm, felt frazzled, everything felt chaotic, and immediately she was saying sorry. And I remember thinking,

Why are moms feeling like they always have to apologize? Sorry I'm late. Sorry I'm emotional. Sorry my baby was crying. Sorry I don't have it together. Friend, if there was ever a season of your life where you are allowed to not have it together, it is postpartum. And anyone who does not understand that probably hasn't been through it themselves. My first response to her wasn't to jump into troubleshooting. It was, let's take some time. Do you need a water? Do need

Yeah. do you need a snack?

And don't worry about being late. I have time, and we can jump in whenever you're ready. Because sometimes support starts there. Sometimes support isn't strategy first. Sometimes support is helping a parent regulate enough to even think clearly. And that means checking in with your body first. And then we ask okay, tell me what feels hardest right now, what's actually going on, and what feels unsustainable. And honestly, sometimes once parents feel seen.

the whole conversation changes. I had another mom recently who casually mentioned she hadn't fallen asleep until like 4 30 in the morning. 4 30 and she said it in a way tired parents sometimes do when they've been in survival mode so long that chaos starts sounding normal. It was like yeah we didn't sleep until like 4 30 but anyways and I just remember thinking no wonder you feel overwhelmed. You're exhausted

So I want to say this because somebody listening probably needs to hear it. You do not have to wait until things are catastrophic to deserve support. You don't need permission. You don't need to prove that you're struggling enough. You don't have to hit some imaginary parenting rock bottom before asking for help. Sometimes support is simply somebody helping you zoom out because when you're in the trenches, everything feels enormous. Every wake-up feels

Personal. Every rough nap feels permanent. Every hard day feels like proof you're doing something wrong. But babies are humans, and humans have rough nights, and babies in particular have growth spurts. They have painful gas. They get sick sometimes, and don't even get me started on the developmental leaps. These can wreak havoc on their sleep. And sometimes it's just a weird Tuesday for no reason at all.

One of my favorite things to help parents do is to stop panicking and start looking for patterns. Actually, I got an email from a family recently that made me ridiculously happy, like embarrassingly excited. We had made a few realistic tweaks around bedtime. We kind of adjusted the sleep pressure and timing. Nothing too dramatic. No weird boot camp vibes or let your baby cry.

and no never hold your baby again nonsense and the next morning I got an email saying the baby went to bed earlier had no false starts and only one wake up

Guys, this baby was waking up like four to five times a night and by simply adjusting a couple things, we avoided all of that. I was so thrilled. And

Now I know someone listening is like, one wake up, that doesn't sound so amazing to me. Well, context matters. For this family, that was huge progress. And I think this is important because sometimes parents think success means perfection. No, no, no. Success is momentum. Success sounds like, well, that was better, and we're heading in the right direction. And I feel a little less overwhelmed this week. And that really matters.

honestly, that's what support should feel like. Not judgment, not pressure, not somebody making you feel like you've ruined your baby because they contact nap

Can we just stop acting like contact and also on a side note, can we please stop acting like contact naps are a moral failure? Because sometimes survival wins, sometimes closeness is exactly what your baby needs. And sometimes babies just need that extra support. and lastly, sometimes you need the extra support of not fighting it. And guess what? We can make changes gradually. I think what parents are really craving

isn't someone to magically fix everything. All we need is some reassurance plus a strategy. A second brain. Someone who can say like, okay, here's what I'm seeing. Here's what sounds normal. Here's what I tweak and here's what I ignore. Because the internet, well, the internet makes everything feel like an emergency. Baby woke up twice. my gosh, that's a sleep regression. The baby fussed while feeding. they must have a tongue tie. my gosh they didn't nap. Overtired undertired

Too much stimulation, not enough stimulation. Mercury is in retrograde. Who even knows? But I feel like everybody on the internet is just like yelling at parents of how to do it the right way. And no wonder that makes you feel anxious. and this is where I think the village matters so much. The village reassures you. The village teams

Teaches

you skills that might help with your baby in your situation. The village notices when you're drowning, and the village says, I got this, you go shower, I'll hold the baby. Or actually, I don't know, maybe try bedtime a little earlier. Or I think you're doing a lot better than you think. Let's just remember that your baby is only two months old. And the hard truth is that many of us don't have that built in anymore.

Unfortunately, we have to build it intentionally. Maybe your your village is a postpartum doula, maybe it's your best friend, maybe it's someone you met at a lactation group, it could be a therapist or that lactation consultant that you really connected with and start getting connected with their clients. It could be that pelvic floor PT that has wraparound service care. it could be sleep support or the friend who always texts you back without judgment.

I don't know if you're lucky, maybe it's all of the above. And honestly, support does not have to look fancy to matter. Because it's somebody helping you troubleshoot while you sit in pajamas holding your sleeping baby. Which, by the way, is one of the reasons I love virtual support. You do not have to pack a diaper bag. You don't have to leave the house. You don't have to panic because the baby finally just fell asleep 10 minutes ago before your appointment. Or you really don't have to wear real pants. I'm not gonna see it. It's complete.

fine. And if you're running a little late, guess what? I deal with this every day. It's not a problem. Just let me know and we'll push the appointment a little bit so that you don't have to wake your sleeping baby or you can go grab a snack or go to the bathroom because you've been holding it for an hour.

I'm a huge fan of wearing pajamas in postpartum or finding pants that look real but are really just glorified pajama pants. But here's the thing, you can literally hop on Zoom while feeding your baby and say, Okay, I need some help and we can figure it out together. We're not here to shame, we're not gonna judge, we're just supporting you where you are. Because parenting was never supposed to be a solo sport. If there's one thing I want you to take away from this episode, it's this.

You are not failing because this is hard. It feels hard because parenting is hard, especially without support. You were never meant to know everything. You were never meant to white knuckle your way through postpartum alone. And if you're feeling overwhelmed right now, stuck with feeding or sleep, recovery, anxiety, or just wondering what is normal, please hear me when I say this. Asking for help is not failure. It's wisdom. Whether support comes from me or somebody else, go find your

people

build your village borrow confidence when yours is shaky not only because support exists it's because you deserve it too all right friends if this episode resonated with you please send it to another tired parent who probably needs that reminder that they're doing better than they think too and I will see you on the next episode